membandingkan dan dibandingkan

end of 2012. lots of moment. instant flashing back. and surprisingly awe by God.
Selalu ada hal yang gue masih harus terus belajar, terutama dalam hal "earthly thing" ini. People change and I have to admit it. Me, changes? Yes, a lot, and people (friends and fams) have to admit it either. It's good to be change, moreover to be better. but whose point of view "good" is? this is hard to explain.

Setiap orang pasti punya penilaian. Pas abang gue pacaran, dan gue nga kenal pacar nya, no negatif think just want to wait and see, tapi udah pasang minded defense. hahaha. entah knp defense aja (same like i'm doin to his 1st girlfriend). gue nga pernah ngobrol langsung sama dia. cmn temen2 gereja aja yg cerita and ngasi tahu. Bahkan abang gue sdr nga pernah cerita apa2 ttg pergumulannya, cmn tiba2 ngasi tau udah jadian, that's the "menyebalkan" things. Itu yg bikin gue rada kesel and langsung self defense, no adaptation just suddenly came. Walaupun gue tipe orang yang gaul kemana2, ternyata gue nga se-open heart- itu. setiap lingkungan baru selalu mendapat tanggapan defense dari diri gue (bukan negatif, tp defense) cth pas masuk ktr baru, group baru di gereja. Pasti gue akan diem dan nga akan banyak ikut campur nah after long time (nga tahu brp lama) baru bisa enjoy and open-heart to everything.

Temen2 gue cukup terbuka, mereka kasih opini ttg pacar koko gue ini. dan gue cuman bisa analisa sdr yang dimana gue tahu itu nga objektif. hahaha.. seharusnya pacarnya ini bisa gue accept apa adanya. The problem is my own brother. gue makin sebel ketika temen gue pernah dikasi tahu kalo salah satu alasan abang gue pilih dia jadi pacar karena : mirip erni, lucunya, ngambeknya, mukanya. DAMN..! I hate it, really hate it. much more like sister complex. I don't like to be compared.! dan gue yakin kalo pacarnya tahu.. itu pasti jadi masalah besar, she will be hurt very much. (oh iyah fyi, pacar koko gue younger 11years, which is 7 year younger than me). Somehow, within myself I want to change, to be more vicious, more independent, more away from those cuteness, just want to get away from those similarity. Jadi deh family and temen gue kena semprotan dan judes2nya gue. hahaha... sorry friend, I didn't mean to. Last time gue pake alasan PMS. hahaha *sly*.

Makin hari gue membandingkan diri gue going better in one thing, but doing worse in another thing. Makin dipikir2, gue ternyata sangat membandingkan diri..! dan makin dipikir lagi.. siapa seh yang nga pernah ngebanding2in dirinya dengan orang laen..? this "COMPARE" thing is SICK..! byk hal yang gue bandingin belakangan ini. Gue baca novel, singkatnya itu novel bikin gue pengen punya cowo kaya yang dinovel itu, karena jarang nemu cowo gentleman kaya gitu disekitar gue -compare satu-. sesama desainer di ktr gue beli Galaxy Note, dan gue mulai iri membanding2kan berapa seh gaji mereka, koq bisa yah, gue aja masih pas2an walaupun gue kaga kost, masih single, pulang pergi kantor dianterin -compare dua-. knp seh gue harus disama2in sama pacarnya koko gue -compare tiga-. duuuh... koq dia bisa seh kurus turun 10kilo, gue makin lebar aja -compare empat- haiizz dia enak banget seh jalan2 mulu keluar negeri -compare lima- dan lain-lain-lain-lain.

first thing : COMPARE, and then come : ENVY, and then come : ANGRY and MAD+SAD
yeaaah.. mencari akar masalah itu gampang koq, bahkan jawaban untuk masalah gue itu udah ada : elo musti bersyukur dan nga perlu banding2in sama hal yang manusiawi. Jawabannya gampang khan, cara melakukannya gimana?? that's not as easy as you think, apalagi kalo hidup loe jauh dari Tuhan. I haven't solved this problem, even I know how to solve it.

yaah.. in the end, minjem kata2 guru gue "still a sinner"
have a nice new year, gue mau review 2012 and create new resolution 2013. arrivederci.